


Officially Licensed

by magdalenelaundry



Category: Borderlands, Tales from the Borderlands - Fandom
Genre: M/M, Strap-Ons, Trans Rhys
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-12-18
Updated: 2014-12-18
Packaged: 2018-03-02 00:19:13
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 878
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2792924
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/magdalenelaundry/pseuds/magdalenelaundry
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>I received this flawless prompt in my tumblr askbox: "trans Rhys is excited to use the Handsome Jack Official Strap-On only to find that it is huge and ungainly and Vaughn takes one look at it and says 'that is /not/ going in my butt' ". this is what happened when I finished laughing so hard my co-workers got suspicious.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Officially Licensed

Vaughn checks his watch, pissily. He has Rhys’s spare key so he’s sitting on the couch in Rhys’s apartment, its owner officially running almost an hour late. It’s not that Vaughn’s necessarily a stickler for punctuality, it’s just that he was instructed to be here at 7, and he held up his end of the bargain, and here he is in an empty apartment, beer-less, and the takeout he brought over is getting cold.

“ _Check-ch-check-check-check-ch-check it out~ What-wha-what-what-what’s it all about_  - ” he finally hears Rhys warbling out in the hallway, keys jangling in the lock. Rhys practically falls through the door into the apartment, both arms full. ”Sorry I’m late man, I had to go down to customs. Bought us a presenttttt.”

There’s a huge featureless brown box under Rhys’s arm, which he immediately goes straight to the coffee table to set down. As soon as the tape is off he’s elbow-deep in it, cheerfully tossing aside packing peanuts. “You ready for the coolest thing ever, Vaughn-tron?”

Vaughn studies the box, chews on his lip, squints dramatically. “Is it my college trig professor’s head?”

"Think just as satisfying but way dirtier."

Finally Rhys has whatever it is freed from its cardboard prison, and holds it aloft so that Vaughn can see it. Ensconced in a black plastic case, crisscrossed with Hyperion goldenrod and red, is a gargantuan, anatomically-correct, Handsome Jack branded dildo. There’s even little metal bits around the edges of the base to make it look like it’s bolted on. Vaughn dissolves immediately into giggling. “Oh my god Rhys, how much did you spend on that…thing? I can’t even call it a dick, it’s like a parody of one. My first car was smaller. And probably cheaper.”

"First of all, it is both a dick,  _and_  a collector’s item. Secondly, that’s none of your damn business.”

"I’m an accountant, dick-for-brains, it’s literally my business. You know if you don’t tell me I’ll just look up your payroll and then laugh at you. I’ll tell Yvette and then we’ll  _both_  laugh at you.”

"Too much, okay? It was stupid expensive. But but  _but_ , it’s officially licensed and individually numbered! And it’s cast right off the real thing, supposedly.” There’s some eyebrow waggling that Vaughn immediately rolls his eyes at as hard as he can without pulling anything. “There is absolutely no way that was ever ‘real’, even when it was attached to him.”

"Aw come on, OEM parts are overrated. Better living through engineering, right?" Rhys flexes his cybernetic arm and winks. Vaughn crosses his arms and pouts, but eyes the Thing a moment longer than he should. "It’s bad enough this company fucks us all day metaphorically, I refuse to let them do it literally." Rhys smirks but lets him keep going. "You’ve got to be kidding me. Absolutely not. Man, the Hammercock was one thing, this just looks…punitive."

" _Oooh yeah_ , have you been a bad boy, Vaughn? Need to be punished ‘til you can’t take anymore?" Rhys means it to come out as a joke but he drops his voice all low and raspy and Vaughn flushes straight to his hairline. So he leans into it. "You play a pretty good little blushing virgin but I love it when you beg."

"…fine, god. I’m absolutely regretting it already," Vaughn huffs, but keeps looking at it, and Rhys laughs and tosses him the box so he can fully inspect it. It’s not the easiest thing to catch, and Vaughn actually has to use both hands. "Jeez, it’s even heavy. Is this gonna fit in your harness? It looks like really nice silicone, I’ll give them that," he rambles and keeps turning the box over in his hands and squinting into it. Rhys flops onto the couch and sidles up next to him to put his arm around his shoulders. "Oh babe, I am going to treat you soooooo good," he whispers into Vaughn’s ear. "Why don’t you slide over here onto Santa’s lap and tell me  _exactly_  what you want for Mercenary Day?”

"I know I’m short but you don’t have to be patronizing," Vaughn sulks, but leans into the heat of Rhys’s mouth on the underside of his jaw. "Aww, you love being in my lap. Besides, you’re not ‘short’, you’re fun-sized. And don’t take that as patronizing; there’s something hot as fuck about your scrawny ass being such a secret size queen."

"You just like me telling you how big you are, you egomaniac," he retorts, but it’s quiet and breathy, the way he gets when Rhys really fucks him and the inhibitions wear off. It took them an hour or so to work up to the last one Rhys had bought, and by the time they’d gotten to where Rhys could really give it to him Vaughn had been babbling filthy nonsense to him like he was drunk. Rhys had actually jerked off in the shower a few times thinking about all the shit he’d said.

"I brought food, man. You want to eat first, or…" and he finds himself trailing off involutarily as Rhys’s hand travels down to his belt buckle. "I have a microwave. This is way more important and it’s gonna take  _forever_ ,” Rhys finishes his thought for him.

**Author's Note:**

> real talk though: I own a few different harnesses and my all-time favorite is one called the Annie-O, which is a beautiful leather dealio with bullet casings and a friggin' sheriff star. it’s the perfect balance of really badass and really silly. every single time I put it on either me or my husband have to make a joke about it (“it’s time to lay down the law!” “this town ain’t big enough for the both of us, but this dick is”, etc). but it’s also absolutely amazing and laughing about it is half the fun.
> 
> also Rhys is singing the Beasties there at the beginning because of course he is. sorry this doesn’t get to actual porn, I’m the worst


End file.
